I'm still alive and still fat!

So I haven't posted in forever and to all of my 10 followers that I love, I am sorry! My life has been so busy these past couple months! A couple weeks ago, I tried out for varsity pom and I made it! I'm happy, although it is very stressful and very tiring. I love the fact that I'm running, dancing, and working out, but the thing is I have to eat lunch now. I usually have a granola bar-180 and tons of wheat thins-too much and after I come home I think I can eat whatever I want. Also, muscle weighs more than fat and I'm so terrified to step on the scale again even though I haven't for about 2 months now, which is NOT good! I'm just ready for June when I only go to dance once a week and I can start not eating alot! I'm sick of this "I need protein and carbs all the time" shit. Ugh. My eating has NOT been good lately at all, but it doesn't really look like it since I've been running and working out non stop. Oh, one amazing thing is that on Mondays and Thursdays I have dance after pom so I never have time to eat! Well I do on Mondays kind of, but Thursdays I have to go straight to dance from pom and I don't get home til 9:30 and I refuse to eat that late. Well I don't have much time to type more because I need to get my sleep, ugh. Well I'm sorry I haven't posted in forever! I just never have the time to anymore! But I am going to try to as much as possible! Because this blog really helps me to get motivated. Well stay strong girls! Summer is coming!

<3Kinsey

Nothing..

Wow, it's been a while. Well this title is pretty much self explanatory. Nothing has really happened since the last time I posted. I've lost nothing, gained nothing, done nothing. My eating hasn't been horrible, but pretty bad, especially today. The scale still says 100, but my body says differently. I look fatter, but maybe that's just in my head. I haven't really had any inspiration to get everything into gear again. I think I need to start posting more often.. that seems to help.

So I've never really mentioned this, but I think I have this medical problem called P.A.T. I forgot what it stands for, but it's a heart condition where my heart beats are way to high per minute. Caffeine and sugar cause my beats to rise, it makes me almost faint, and not be able to breathe. In a way I kind of like it because it makes me not eat so much sugar and food for that matter. I read online that a high thyroid is a cause too meaning my body doesn't gain weight a lot. I got tested for thyroid and it says it wasn't too high or too low, but I think it can fluctuate. So it's kind of a good thing. I won't know if I have it until the middle of March, but I have been having the symptoms for a long time. It's not a disease that can kill or damage, so that's good.

For the most part, I feel pretty good. I'm not happy with my body at all, but it's not really bugging me right now. Sometimes I have these phases where I don't really care about my body. I mean I do, but it's not like "Omg, I have to stop eating." I know I will go back to that because I always do, but I like this feeling of content. I still try to do good everyday, but for the past month I've been eating pretty much whatever I want. I know it needs to stop though. I want to get this all together again, and at the same time, I don't. I'm going to though. I want to be 90lbs now! Summer is coming up in like 3 months and I am NOT going to be a fatass like I was last year. Last summer was so miserable. I never wanted to do anything. I always wanted to stay inside because I was so disgusted with my body. I don't want to have to be ashamed of it this summer!

This blog really does get me THinspired :)
Pun intended! Haha, I'm dumb.
Oh, by the way, 7 followers! I'm happy!

Stay strong girls!
-Kinsey<3

Snow=stay in the house and eat everything.

Last Thursday and Friday I didn't have school because it snowed so much outside and the roads aren't safe. I stayed home both days and ate nothing just chips, cookies, chocolate, and more junk food. My friends were over eating with me so that made me feel better, but I can't seem to get back in control. I decided that I was going to post again when I did good, but that's not happening so I just decided to post now. I'm going to get back on track tomorrow! I know I've said that for the past like 5 posts, but I neeed to do it now! I've only gained 1 pound though which surprises me alot. It's really hard for me to gain weight in pounds, but I DO look fatter. I was out shopping yesterday and I only bought like 2 things because I was so pissed at myself for how fat I looked. It was so disgusting.

Well this morning I did have breakfast. I had some eggs and oatmeal. Not too bad.. I'm going to try to not eat alot later, but I'm thinking I want to give myself today to eat whatever I want. Not to binge, but eat what I want, when I'm hungry. If you let yourself just binge, you eventually get tired of it, and want to eat healthy. Junk food gets sickening very fast.

I'll probably post more tomorrow evening to say how everything went!
Hopefully it's good!

-Kinsey<3

Mixed Feelings

I got my haircut today and I love it! I did go eat right after I got it done though. I do not know why! I'm so fat. I had an apple at lunch, after I got my hair done I had 4 small sushi rolls, a whole chicken flatbread sandwich, which I ate all of (FAT), I had some yogurt at one of those yogurt places in the mall, and I had 3 mint girl scout cookies that I don't even like. I don't know why I do that. When I binge, I eat things I would never usually eat. I thought my new 'look' would give me motivation. I guess it has. I would look soo much better with my hair if I was 20 pounds lighter. I'm going to do good the rest of the week though. I say that, but we'll see if it happens. It better. I was looking at my legs and butt today and they are fucking HUGE. It makes me want to throw up. I'm so fucking disgusting. Like my ass is ginormous! It's sick.

So my January's eating calender looks so bad. All the dates are crossed out with red X's. There is like maximum of 8 yellow X's, which means 'restrict'. I SUCK. February's calender is going to be soo much better! That calender really helps.

So earlier today, after I got my hair done. I had the feeling of trying to be normal and eat normal and stuff. It was weird. I got like out of ana mode, but after I got home and saw how fat I looked, I was like hell no, back to no eating. Obviously, I never stick to anything I do, but I need to! Soon!

Once again, I have nothing to talk about.. same old fat shit, lol.
Well I'll probably go to bed soon.
A moment on the lips, forever on the hips. :/
-Kinsey

Bingish..?

I kind of binged today. I rode home with my boyfriend and then my mom picked me up from his house to go to this school meeting thing and I had had nothing to eat before that so she took me to Lush Berries to get yogurt. After the meeting everyone wanted to go to this restaurant, so I went there, but didn't eat anything, but after I went to subway and got a footlong and ate it all. I also had less than half of that lemon cupcake. (I didn't eat it last night btw!) Overall, I think it's still under 800, but that's too much for me. My goal weight it 90 pounds. My ULTIMATE goal weight is 80, but I'm not sure when that is going to happen. Hopefully before summer. I really want to get down to that weight. I still don't think that I look like I've lost anything. I'm still at 99 :/ probably 100 now. I want to get down to 97 or even 95 by the weekend, but I might have to fast a day or two or eat just like one little yogurt the rest of the days and exercise.

Tomorrow I'm getting my haircut! I'm getting straight-across bangs for the first time! I have like side bangs now. A new haircut calls for a new motivation. Every time I get my hair done or go shopping, it always makes me motivated to keep loosing weight and not binge!

Hmm.. there is not much to talk about.. I really wish I could go purge right now, but I know I don't have the balls to do it :/ Damnit. I wish I had one of my ana buddies to do it with me! I can't do it alone. I've never done it too. I almost have one time ,but I chickened out. FAILURE. That's what I am.

Well I guess I'm going to get my beauty sleep (me? beauty? please.)
-Kinsey

1st Day of Success.. maybe.

Today has been good. I've only eaten a yogurt (110 cal) and a berry smoothie (? cal) with some whipped cream I couldn't help but eating, but it's only 15 cal for 2 tablespoons and I went to dance tonight so I burned all of it off. I had a couple grapes a second ago and I think I want some more. Just a little bit. It couldn't hurt. I know I won't binge since I'm determined not to. My dad brought home a lemon cupcake (my FAVORITE!) But I couldn't eat it because I knew I shouldn't. Then that would mean I pretty much burned all those calories for nothing, but I think he already finished it..

...

I just got back from in the kitchen and he didn't finish it. >:( There is half of it left. I cannot tell you how much I want it. Those are my favorite kind! :( Will it really be thaaaat bad? It's not like I would eat anything after that. I did burn all of my calories today and it would be just like having only 100 calories for the day. Ugh, I don't know. I'm just scared I will do bad tomorrow because of that damn cupcake. I doubt I will... Should I just eat it? It's bugging the shit out of me. I think I will just eat it and in an hour I will do 200 jumping jacks to burn it off and I will be fine!

Tomorrow I WILL just eat (drink) a smoothie and that's it. I already secretly threw away all of the bad food in my house other than the shells and cheese and the ramen noodles that I binge on all the time. Everyday I always do eat under 500 cal, but I usually eat like carbs to fill the calories and I'm trying to stay away from the carbs more than anything. Like I'd eat a yogurt and ramen noodles which would be under 500 cal, but I'd still be mad at myself because I never see a progress in my body when I do that so I try to just stick with fruit.

Well I'm going to ATTEMPT to stay away from that cupcake, but I'm not sure how it's going to go..
Stay strong!
-Kinsey<3

Why can't I do this?

I'm a failure who doesn't stick to anything I tell myself.
Why does this have to be so complicated?
Why do I give in every single time?
Why can't I be normal?
I'm sick of stressing over what I look like every second of my life. I'm sick of only thinking about my body, weight and appearance. I just want to be happy and not have to worry about everything all the time. But the only thing that is going to make me happy is if I'm skinnier. If I was 15 pounds less, I would enjoy everything. I'm pretty sure I've already said this in a recent post, but I would actually want to do something instead of sitting on my lazy, fat ass all day, moping around about my body. I swear I think about it at least 50 times (or more) a day. Right when I wake up in the mornings, in my dreams, at school, at home the most. It's literally nonstop. Am I the only one? It'd be great to know that someone is feeling this same way right now too. I've read tons of blogs and they all have these same feelings, but I just feel like it's so much worse on me. I know I'm wrong, but I wish I knew somebody personally who was in the same situation...

I wish I could say I'm going to start doing better tomorrow and keep it that way until I'm satisfied with myself, but I know that won't happen. I have so much motivation, but always end up giving up. I don't know why either because I want this so bad. Ugh, I don't know what to do.


Anyways, enough with that. So in biology this past week, we got these little slips that we have to put 5 medical disorders/diseases that we got to choose from this big list. There was Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia Nervosa, and I put those and 3 other diseases on my list. So I'm kind of hoping to get anorexia, but that might be a bad idea because people will think I have it or something.. I don't know. I just hope I'm skinny by the time I'm presenting it. In a way, I want people to know and then again I don't. Does anyone ever feel like you want people to know about your ed?

Oh yeah, another thing that happen was today and I was sitting in my living room with my boyfriend and my mom was talking on the phone to my dad and she was saying how her friend and her daughter are coming here to shop (they don't live near us) and they've had a really bad week and stuff. I didn't really hear the whole conversation, but I heard my mom say how one of their friends had to go to a hospital in Phoenix because she has an eating disorder. Right when I heard my mom say the word "eating disorder" my heart started pounding. I don't know why it does that, but every time I hear someone say either anorexia or eating disorder, my heart skips a beat.

Wow, I rant way too much. Oh well, that's what a blog is for right?
Hoping I can change my ways and get back on track.

STAY STRONG.
-Kinsey