Snow=stay in the house and eat everything.

Last Thursday and Friday I didn't have school because it snowed so much outside and the roads aren't safe. I stayed home both days and ate nothing just chips, cookies, chocolate, and more junk food. My friends were over eating with me so that made me feel better, but I can't seem to get back in control. I decided that I was going to post again when I did good, but that's not happening so I just decided to post now. I'm going to get back on track tomorrow! I know I've said that for the past like 5 posts, but I neeed to do it now! I've only gained 1 pound though which surprises me alot. It's really hard for me to gain weight in pounds, but I DO look fatter. I was out shopping yesterday and I only bought like 2 things because I was so pissed at myself for how fat I looked. It was so disgusting.

Well this morning I did have breakfast. I had some eggs and oatmeal. Not too bad.. I'm going to try to not eat alot later, but I'm thinking I want to give myself today to eat whatever I want. Not to binge, but eat what I want, when I'm hungry. If you let yourself just binge, you eventually get tired of it, and want to eat healthy. Junk food gets sickening very fast.

I'll probably post more tomorrow evening to say how everything went!
Hopefully it's good!

-Kinsey<3

Mixed Feelings

I got my haircut today and I love it! I did go eat right after I got it done though. I do not know why! I'm so fat. I had an apple at lunch, after I got my hair done I had 4 small sushi rolls, a whole chicken flatbread sandwich, which I ate all of (FAT), I had some yogurt at one of those yogurt places in the mall, and I had 3 mint girl scout cookies that I don't even like. I don't know why I do that. When I binge, I eat things I would never usually eat. I thought my new 'look' would give me motivation. I guess it has. I would look soo much better with my hair if I was 20 pounds lighter. I'm going to do good the rest of the week though. I say that, but we'll see if it happens. It better. I was looking at my legs and butt today and they are fucking HUGE. It makes me want to throw up. I'm so fucking disgusting. Like my ass is ginormous! It's sick.

So my January's eating calender looks so bad. All the dates are crossed out with red X's. There is like maximum of 8 yellow X's, which means 'restrict'. I SUCK. February's calender is going to be soo much better! That calender really helps.

So earlier today, after I got my hair done. I had the feeling of trying to be normal and eat normal and stuff. It was weird. I got like out of ana mode, but after I got home and saw how fat I looked, I was like hell no, back to no eating. Obviously, I never stick to anything I do, but I need to! Soon!

Once again, I have nothing to talk about.. same old fat shit, lol.
Well I'll probably go to bed soon.
A moment on the lips, forever on the hips. :/
-Kinsey

Bingish..?

I kind of binged today. I rode home with my boyfriend and then my mom picked me up from his house to go to this school meeting thing and I had had nothing to eat before that so she took me to Lush Berries to get yogurt. After the meeting everyone wanted to go to this restaurant, so I went there, but didn't eat anything, but after I went to subway and got a footlong and ate it all. I also had less than half of that lemon cupcake. (I didn't eat it last night btw!) Overall, I think it's still under 800, but that's too much for me. My goal weight it 90 pounds. My ULTIMATE goal weight is 80, but I'm not sure when that is going to happen. Hopefully before summer. I really want to get down to that weight. I still don't think that I look like I've lost anything. I'm still at 99 :/ probably 100 now. I want to get down to 97 or even 95 by the weekend, but I might have to fast a day or two or eat just like one little yogurt the rest of the days and exercise.

Tomorrow I'm getting my haircut! I'm getting straight-across bangs for the first time! I have like side bangs now. A new haircut calls for a new motivation. Every time I get my hair done or go shopping, it always makes me motivated to keep loosing weight and not binge!

Hmm.. there is not much to talk about.. I really wish I could go purge right now, but I know I don't have the balls to do it :/ Damnit. I wish I had one of my ana buddies to do it with me! I can't do it alone. I've never done it too. I almost have one time ,but I chickened out. FAILURE. That's what I am.

Well I guess I'm going to get my beauty sleep (me? beauty? please.)
-Kinsey

1st Day of Success.. maybe.

Today has been good. I've only eaten a yogurt (110 cal) and a berry smoothie (? cal) with some whipped cream I couldn't help but eating, but it's only 15 cal for 2 tablespoons and I went to dance tonight so I burned all of it off. I had a couple grapes a second ago and I think I want some more. Just a little bit. It couldn't hurt. I know I won't binge since I'm determined not to. My dad brought home a lemon cupcake (my FAVORITE!) But I couldn't eat it because I knew I shouldn't. Then that would mean I pretty much burned all those calories for nothing, but I think he already finished it..

...

I just got back from in the kitchen and he didn't finish it. >:( There is half of it left. I cannot tell you how much I want it. Those are my favorite kind! :( Will it really be thaaaat bad? It's not like I would eat anything after that. I did burn all of my calories today and it would be just like having only 100 calories for the day. Ugh, I don't know. I'm just scared I will do bad tomorrow because of that damn cupcake. I doubt I will... Should I just eat it? It's bugging the shit out of me. I think I will just eat it and in an hour I will do 200 jumping jacks to burn it off and I will be fine!

Tomorrow I WILL just eat (drink) a smoothie and that's it. I already secretly threw away all of the bad food in my house other than the shells and cheese and the ramen noodles that I binge on all the time. Everyday I always do eat under 500 cal, but I usually eat like carbs to fill the calories and I'm trying to stay away from the carbs more than anything. Like I'd eat a yogurt and ramen noodles which would be under 500 cal, but I'd still be mad at myself because I never see a progress in my body when I do that so I try to just stick with fruit.

Well I'm going to ATTEMPT to stay away from that cupcake, but I'm not sure how it's going to go..
Stay strong!
-Kinsey<3

Why can't I do this?

I'm a failure who doesn't stick to anything I tell myself.
Why does this have to be so complicated?
Why do I give in every single time?
Why can't I be normal?
I'm sick of stressing over what I look like every second of my life. I'm sick of only thinking about my body, weight and appearance. I just want to be happy and not have to worry about everything all the time. But the only thing that is going to make me happy is if I'm skinnier. If I was 15 pounds less, I would enjoy everything. I'm pretty sure I've already said this in a recent post, but I would actually want to do something instead of sitting on my lazy, fat ass all day, moping around about my body. I swear I think about it at least 50 times (or more) a day. Right when I wake up in the mornings, in my dreams, at school, at home the most. It's literally nonstop. Am I the only one? It'd be great to know that someone is feeling this same way right now too. I've read tons of blogs and they all have these same feelings, but I just feel like it's so much worse on me. I know I'm wrong, but I wish I knew somebody personally who was in the same situation...

I wish I could say I'm going to start doing better tomorrow and keep it that way until I'm satisfied with myself, but I know that won't happen. I have so much motivation, but always end up giving up. I don't know why either because I want this so bad. Ugh, I don't know what to do.


Anyways, enough with that. So in biology this past week, we got these little slips that we have to put 5 medical disorders/diseases that we got to choose from this big list. There was Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia Nervosa, and I put those and 3 other diseases on my list. So I'm kind of hoping to get anorexia, but that might be a bad idea because people will think I have it or something.. I don't know. I just hope I'm skinny by the time I'm presenting it. In a way, I want people to know and then again I don't. Does anyone ever feel like you want people to know about your ed?

Oh yeah, another thing that happen was today and I was sitting in my living room with my boyfriend and my mom was talking on the phone to my dad and she was saying how her friend and her daughter are coming here to shop (they don't live near us) and they've had a really bad week and stuff. I didn't really hear the whole conversation, but I heard my mom say how one of their friends had to go to a hospital in Phoenix because she has an eating disorder. Right when I heard my mom say the word "eating disorder" my heart started pounding. I don't know why it does that, but every time I hear someone say either anorexia or eating disorder, my heart skips a beat.

Wow, I rant way too much. Oh well, that's what a blog is for right?
Hoping I can change my ways and get back on track.

STAY STRONG.
-Kinsey

I knew it.

I knew this would happen. I never do what I say. I'm sure you can already guess it. I binged, duh. I didn't eat anything for breakfast and lunch then I came home had half of a pb&j(? cal) and a smoothie(? cal) and then later I had some ramen noodles(380 cal) and like 30 minutes after that I had 2 and a half mini apple pies. I split them with my mom. Not terribly horrible, but too much. I didn't need those mini apple pies, or the ramen noodles really. Atleast the mini apple pies were tiny, so I'm not that bummed out. I kind of am, but I really don't want to worry about it. I have enough stress in my life to worry about 1 mini binge. Well all my stress pretty much comes from my self-consciousness, but whatever. Tomorrow, after school I just want to go to my boyfriend's house all day so I won't binge. I think I will have a smoothie then leave my house. I really don't want more ramen noodles to bitch about. Like I said in my last post, after the first hard day is over with, it gets easy. So I think tomorrow is a good day to start that. I know the day I do good, I can start eating better again. After that happens, I will not do this again. I hate the feeling of failure. Being in control over food and knowing you're only 10 pounds away from your goal is such an amazing feeling. It's also so easy for me to go down on the scale, but not so much look different in size. I want to be 90 pounds. After that, I think I'll be happy. Ugh, I want my control back! Last week was so amazing. I did so good. Why can't I do that again? It sounds so easy to do, but it's really not. It's really hard for some reason. Tomorrow I really want to wear a skirt to school, but I want to be 10 pounds less for it :( I really don't want to wait to wear it too. :/ I might just do it anyways.. and look like a fatass. If I was 5'4" and 90 pounds everything in my life would be PERFECT. Absolutely perfect. But the sad thing about it is that I have to eat to get taller and if I ever want to reach that height, which I'm incapable of, I have to eat like a normal growing teenager and I do not do that at all. I don't want to :/ I've tried eating normal and trying to get taller and it doesn't work and if I'm not going to grow, then I went to be skinny. Skinnier than anyone else my height. I refuse to be a short fatass. I don't want to wait like 5 years to grow and get fat then just have to stop eating again. Ugh, I don't know. Everything is so confusing. I can't tell you how much easier my life would be..

I've noticed that I kind of repeat myself from blog to blog. Oh well..
You know what's good thinspiration? Lookbook. For anyone who reads this, go there! It's thin, tiny girls and cute clothes. www.lookbook.nu I'm in love with that site. Although, you do have to be invited to be a member.

So I think those little dum dum suckers are good candy for not binging. If you only have like two. They don't really have any calories, just sugar. It's gets rid of that thirst for candy and makes you not want to binge. I guess that's all for today.

Another day of failure, not much determination, blah :/
-Kinsey

Of course...

Exactly what I said. I binged all day today. Fuck. I woke up, had some chamomile tea(0 cal), thinking that would be all I would 'eat' today, but no. I went to my boyfriend's house for 2 hours then came back to my house and had one of those Healthy Choice meals (300 cal), then I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (not sure of the calories, probably alot), and after that I had a little bit of Doritos(? cal), and my mom came home bringing girl scout cookies she got from a girl from work. I had like 10 of those(? cal) FAT FAT FATASS. I did go to dance tonight, so I burned some of that. I'm determined to do good tomorrow though.

Tomorrow's diet plan:
Breakfast- water(0 cal)
Lunch- gum(<5 cal)
After school- smoothie (not sure, but I will add it up correctly soon)
Dinner- chamomile or chai tea(if chai, 60 cal)

I know for sure I won't eat anything for breakfast or lunch because I NEVER do during the week. I hope I stick to the smoothie and tea, which I do have faith in myself. The first day after binging is the hardest, all you want to do is binge again, but after you get over that first day, it starts getting easy until the weekend when I go out to eat and then I never can help myself. I'm going to stop going out with my parents when they go out to eat though. I will just go to my friend's house or the movies or something. I just cannot wait until I can drive. Everything will be so much easier. Other than being with friends and they want to go eat somewhere. How am I going to hide that then? I know my eating problem will go on for a lonnnng time. I don't know when I will get over this self-consciousness about my body and my eating. Maybe in my 30's? Hah, just kidding, I don't really know. Honestly, I don't really want to get over it. I don't just want to not care about my body and get fat and disgusting. I don't consider this 'problem' an 'eating disorder.' I'm not really sure if I have an actual ED. I guess worrying and caring this much about my food and my body is an ED. Trying to eat under 200-500 calories and sometimes even 0 calories is not normal. I guess it is an ED, but I don't feel right saying I have one. It almost feels as if I'm not ana enough to consider it as an ED. I guess that will just be unknown in my head until or if I lose alot of weight, or stop eating even more. Hmm..

Ah, shit. My parents just got home from the store and she bought damn ramen noodles. Those noodles will be the death of me until they are gone. Oh please, God I don't binge on those tomorrow! Sometimes I wish I lived alone because it'd be easier to not have fat foods! I could just have like fruit and tea. When you live with people they get tons of fat foods you know you don't need to eat then end up binging on them and get mad at the people who bought them!

You know what? No! The food doesn't control me, I control the food! That is such a good quote. It's so true. I shouldn't feel like the food is making me eat it. I control whether I eat it or not. And tomorrow, I'm NOT going to eat it. Seriously, it's just food. I shouldn't be scared of it. I'm better than that. That reminds me of one time, about a year ago, I was in the kitchen and I was fed up with eating and being fat and I threw away all of the fat foods in my house and I went to my mom with a big trash can and I was like "Mom, NO MORE FAT FOODS! I'm sick of being fat and eating this nasty, body-ruining food. All of us are going to get even fatter if this is still in our house" and I threw it away. Ever since then, we don't really have anything in our kitchen. All we have is frozen fruit, some nasty frozen food, drinks, yogurt, chips >:(, ramen noodles, and tea, and some chocolate my mom likes to hide in her office room.

Well I guess this is long enough, haha. I just love blogging and venting my thoughts. They're a bit long, but oh well.
-Kinsey