I knew it.

I knew this would happen. I never do what I say. I'm sure you can already guess it. I binged, duh. I didn't eat anything for breakfast and lunch then I came home had half of a pb&j(? cal) and a smoothie(? cal) and then later I had some ramen noodles(380 cal) and like 30 minutes after that I had 2 and a half mini apple pies. I split them with my mom. Not terribly horrible, but too much. I didn't need those mini apple pies, or the ramen noodles really. Atleast the mini apple pies were tiny, so I'm not that bummed out. I kind of am, but I really don't want to worry about it. I have enough stress in my life to worry about 1 mini binge. Well all my stress pretty much comes from my self-consciousness, but whatever. Tomorrow, after school I just want to go to my boyfriend's house all day so I won't binge. I think I will have a smoothie then leave my house. I really don't want more ramen noodles to bitch about. Like I said in my last post, after the first hard day is over with, it gets easy. So I think tomorrow is a good day to start that. I know the day I do good, I can start eating better again. After that happens, I will not do this again. I hate the feeling of failure. Being in control over food and knowing you're only 10 pounds away from your goal is such an amazing feeling. It's also so easy for me to go down on the scale, but not so much look different in size. I want to be 90 pounds. After that, I think I'll be happy. Ugh, I want my control back! Last week was so amazing. I did so good. Why can't I do that again? It sounds so easy to do, but it's really not. It's really hard for some reason. Tomorrow I really want to wear a skirt to school, but I want to be 10 pounds less for it :( I really don't want to wait to wear it too. :/ I might just do it anyways.. and look like a fatass. If I was 5'4" and 90 pounds everything in my life would be PERFECT. Absolutely perfect. But the sad thing about it is that I have to eat to get taller and if I ever want to reach that height, which I'm incapable of, I have to eat like a normal growing teenager and I do not do that at all. I don't want to :/ I've tried eating normal and trying to get taller and it doesn't work and if I'm not going to grow, then I went to be skinny. Skinnier than anyone else my height. I refuse to be a short fatass. I don't want to wait like 5 years to grow and get fat then just have to stop eating again. Ugh, I don't know. Everything is so confusing. I can't tell you how much easier my life would be..

I've noticed that I kind of repeat myself from blog to blog. Oh well..
You know what's good thinspiration? Lookbook. For anyone who reads this, go there! It's thin, tiny girls and cute clothes. www.lookbook.nu I'm in love with that site. Although, you do have to be invited to be a member.

So I think those little dum dum suckers are good candy for not binging. If you only have like two. They don't really have any calories, just sugar. It's gets rid of that thirst for candy and makes you not want to binge. I guess that's all for today.

Another day of failure, not much determination, blah :/
-Kinsey