About to binge, what do I do!

I posted earlier, but oh well. I love blogging. It makes me feel better. I don't care if anyone reads it or not. So after the scary breakfast this morning my friend Jeremy came over and my family and him went to this yogurt place called Lush Berries. It's healthy and everything so I have a cup of that and then we go to a couple places, then to a Pizza Hut. I didn't eat anything and I was proud of myself, but my parents bitch about me not eating so they took me to Subway after and I got a 6 inch turkey sandwich and ate it all and now I feel disgusting.. I mean it's all healthy food, but I still feel nasty.. and now I'm drinking chai tea and about to eat some chocolate. Ughh, it sounds so good. I don't know what to do. Should I eat it? I have no clue! I want it so bad. Will just one hurt? One little butterfinger or recees? I need help! Like nowww. I've already had so much today! I really hope it's nice outside tomorrow so I can walk! Tomorrow the only thing I'm eating(drinking) is a smoothie! I'll be at my boyfriends house all day so I don't have to eat. He can't make me. Through this week I'm only having like smoothies and that's all. This weekend I've done good, for the most part and I don't want to go back to school looking like a fatass. I already had to do that once from coming back from Christmas break. I gain alot over that break. Just 2 weeks ago I went to the doctor's and I was 108 with clothes on and this morning when I weighed myself I was 98! Now I'm probably 100 or something but I'll lose it again over this week. My mom knows I don't eat lunch at school everyday, but should I tell her that I'm going to start eating at lunch? I don't think she'll believe me.. Everyone is starting to find out.

Today in the car, we were going to Lush Berries and there is a hospital across the street from it and my dad said "If you keep this diet up, that will be your new home" and he pointed to the hospital. It kind of made me feel good because they're noticing I'm getting smaller, but I don't want to be hospitalized or anything. As sad and weird as this sounds, I kind of like people thinking I need to be hospitalized because I'm so skinny. But the funny thing is, is that I'm not skinny, at all. I'm fat and gross. Skinny people don't eat chocolate and 120 calorie tea and carbs and protein. Why do my parents have to be stupid about what I eat? I know they care about me, but I'm fine. Stop trying to fatten me up even more than I already am. It pisses me off. No, I do not want pizza and ice cream and chocolate and footlong subway sandwiches (my mom and dad were trying to talk me into all these things today) Do they not understand that I don't want to be huge?

I say that, yet I still want that chocolate. Of course I WANT all of that food, but I can't. I have to stop this 'eat good for a week then just binge and start eating bad again' thing. Every time I get into a good streak of dieting, and I binge just once and F it all up again. Then the next couple of weeks I will just keep eating bad and I'll get back up to 108! Ew! That cannot happen again. Pom try-outs are coming up soon and summer! That means bathing suits and short little pom outfits that I better need an extra small in! I'm just scared that if I eat this chocolate, I will keep binging and tomorrow I'll eat bad and I look huge again. :( It takes so much for me to have control and when I finally do, I fly. Fortunately, I can lose weight really fast. Unfortunately, it takes alot of weight to lose to see a difference. So I need this control and when I binge, I lose it!

Maybe I could just throw away that chocolate and if my parents ask where it is, I can say I ate it! Hm.. it will be hard taking it out of the wrapper and just throwing it away without eating it. I do wish I was mia sometimes. It would be alot easier for when I binge. I just don't have the balls to do it, haha. I don't see how some anas and mias do it. They must have alot of will power. I wish I did. Lucky skinny bitches.

I'll post tomorrow and say if I ate it or not.
Stay strong!
Love,
Kinsey