Gross, gross, gross. Today sucked. I did not do good at all. All I did was binge. I hate my body so much. I would do anything for a different me. I need to start fasting! UGH. I can never fast though. By like 5:00 I'm like dying. Tomorrow I'm going to the mall, which means thinspiration. I'm not eating tomorrow until I get done shopping then I'm going to have my mom get my a Jamba Juice and that is IT! NOTHING else. I can't keep doing this. I'm going to be so fucking fat summer season. Last summer I did absolutely nothing because I didn't want ANYONE to see my nasty ass fat disgusting body. So pretty much all summer I stayed home everyday and kept tons of clothes on. I don't want to do that this summer! I want to go out with my bathing suit and I want to love my body and I want to be confident and not care what I look like. After tomorrow I'm just going to fast and ignore the hunger pains. Honestly, I'm doing it. In a way I want to be sickly thin to where I need treatment. I know that sounds bad, but how good does "Oh, yeah, that anorexic girl?" sound? Yeah, amazing. There is this one girl that was kind of chunky last year and this year she is soo skinny. It's obvious she was or is anorexic. She was waaaay bigger than I am now too! I could easily do it! If she can, I can dammit! UGHHH. I want to see a change in myself. :( from the mini binges I've been having lately has gotten me pretty determined and I'm just going to do it. I don't care if it hurts my body, I want it more than anything. I've never wanted something so badly before. My life would be so much better if I was just skinny. I would be more happy and have more energy and enthusiasm, and I would actually like getting dressed everyday and going to school without thinking "Oh my god, my legs and ass look huge today, I hope anyone doesn't think I look completely 20 pounds heavier that last week, I'm so fat" I would want to get out more and do more stuff without having to think "Oh shit, I have to get dressed, what should I wear that doesn't make me look THAT fat" I can't stand this anymore! I would actually like showing off my body if I was thin. I also wouldn't dread having to go to dance class because I wouldn't look like a huge fucking cow. Everything could be better if I was like 20 pounds lighter. It's going to happen! Even if I have to ruin my body to get there. I will do anything.
Done with this fat shit.
-Kinsey
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This is sort of what I was talking about. I saw your comment. To answer your question, yes, I'm sure many other people would have looked at me and thought I was beautiful. They certainly told me I was thin enough. But unfortunately the vicious cycle doesn't allow you to accept yourself, and I never felt beautiful or thin. I always thought I was fat, even though I certainly wasn't.
ReplyDeleteIt comes down to something I call natural law, which I'll probably find a way to blog more about. Natural law basically means that things work best when they are used in their natural way. (I.e. you grow more tomatoes when you water them and give them sunlight. You can keep a tomato plant under the sink, but it won't thrive.)
By that same logic, when I viewed food like it was poison, when it's meant to sustain a person, that impacted me not only physically but mentally. People think that our bodies and minds aren't connected but it's totally not true. It screws with your brain, man.
Anyway. It's a lot to explain in a little comment. I'll try to blog more about it when inspiration strikes.