Of course...

Exactly what I said. I binged all day today. Fuck. I woke up, had some chamomile tea(0 cal), thinking that would be all I would 'eat' today, but no. I went to my boyfriend's house for 2 hours then came back to my house and had one of those Healthy Choice meals (300 cal), then I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (not sure of the calories, probably alot), and after that I had a little bit of Doritos(? cal), and my mom came home bringing girl scout cookies she got from a girl from work. I had like 10 of those(? cal) FAT FAT FATASS. I did go to dance tonight, so I burned some of that. I'm determined to do good tomorrow though.

Tomorrow's diet plan:
Breakfast- water(0 cal)
Lunch- gum(<5 cal)
After school- smoothie (not sure, but I will add it up correctly soon)
Dinner- chamomile or chai tea(if chai, 60 cal)

I know for sure I won't eat anything for breakfast or lunch because I NEVER do during the week. I hope I stick to the smoothie and tea, which I do have faith in myself. The first day after binging is the hardest, all you want to do is binge again, but after you get over that first day, it starts getting easy until the weekend when I go out to eat and then I never can help myself. I'm going to stop going out with my parents when they go out to eat though. I will just go to my friend's house or the movies or something. I just cannot wait until I can drive. Everything will be so much easier. Other than being with friends and they want to go eat somewhere. How am I going to hide that then? I know my eating problem will go on for a lonnnng time. I don't know when I will get over this self-consciousness about my body and my eating. Maybe in my 30's? Hah, just kidding, I don't really know. Honestly, I don't really want to get over it. I don't just want to not care about my body and get fat and disgusting. I don't consider this 'problem' an 'eating disorder.' I'm not really sure if I have an actual ED. I guess worrying and caring this much about my food and my body is an ED. Trying to eat under 200-500 calories and sometimes even 0 calories is not normal. I guess it is an ED, but I don't feel right saying I have one. It almost feels as if I'm not ana enough to consider it as an ED. I guess that will just be unknown in my head until or if I lose alot of weight, or stop eating even more. Hmm..

Ah, shit. My parents just got home from the store and she bought damn ramen noodles. Those noodles will be the death of me until they are gone. Oh please, God I don't binge on those tomorrow! Sometimes I wish I lived alone because it'd be easier to not have fat foods! I could just have like fruit and tea. When you live with people they get tons of fat foods you know you don't need to eat then end up binging on them and get mad at the people who bought them!

You know what? No! The food doesn't control me, I control the food! That is such a good quote. It's so true. I shouldn't feel like the food is making me eat it. I control whether I eat it or not. And tomorrow, I'm NOT going to eat it. Seriously, it's just food. I shouldn't be scared of it. I'm better than that. That reminds me of one time, about a year ago, I was in the kitchen and I was fed up with eating and being fat and I threw away all of the fat foods in my house and I went to my mom with a big trash can and I was like "Mom, NO MORE FAT FOODS! I'm sick of being fat and eating this nasty, body-ruining food. All of us are going to get even fatter if this is still in our house" and I threw it away. Ever since then, we don't really have anything in our kitchen. All we have is frozen fruit, some nasty frozen food, drinks, yogurt, chips >:(, ramen noodles, and tea, and some chocolate my mom likes to hide in her office room.

Well I guess this is long enough, haha. I just love blogging and venting my thoughts. They're a bit long, but oh well.
-Kinsey