I'm still alive and still fat!

So I haven't posted in forever and to all of my 10 followers that I love, I am sorry! My life has been so busy these past couple months! A couple weeks ago, I tried out for varsity pom and I made it! I'm happy, although it is very stressful and very tiring. I love the fact that I'm running, dancing, and working out, but the thing is I have to eat lunch now. I usually have a granola bar-180 and tons of wheat thins-too much and after I come home I think I can eat whatever I want. Also, muscle weighs more than fat and I'm so terrified to step on the scale again even though I haven't for about 2 months now, which is NOT good! I'm just ready for June when I only go to dance once a week and I can start not eating alot! I'm sick of this "I need protein and carbs all the time" shit. Ugh. My eating has NOT been good lately at all, but it doesn't really look like it since I've been running and working out non stop. Oh, one amazing thing is that on Mondays and Thursdays I have dance after pom so I never have time to eat! Well I do on Mondays kind of, but Thursdays I have to go straight to dance from pom and I don't get home til 9:30 and I refuse to eat that late. Well I don't have much time to type more because I need to get my sleep, ugh. Well I'm sorry I haven't posted in forever! I just never have the time to anymore! But I am going to try to as much as possible! Because this blog really helps me to get motivated. Well stay strong girls! Summer is coming!

<3Kinsey

Nothing..

Wow, it's been a while. Well this title is pretty much self explanatory. Nothing has really happened since the last time I posted. I've lost nothing, gained nothing, done nothing. My eating hasn't been horrible, but pretty bad, especially today. The scale still says 100, but my body says differently. I look fatter, but maybe that's just in my head. I haven't really had any inspiration to get everything into gear again. I think I need to start posting more often.. that seems to help.

So I've never really mentioned this, but I think I have this medical problem called P.A.T. I forgot what it stands for, but it's a heart condition where my heart beats are way to high per minute. Caffeine and sugar cause my beats to rise, it makes me almost faint, and not be able to breathe. In a way I kind of like it because it makes me not eat so much sugar and food for that matter. I read online that a high thyroid is a cause too meaning my body doesn't gain weight a lot. I got tested for thyroid and it says it wasn't too high or too low, but I think it can fluctuate. So it's kind of a good thing. I won't know if I have it until the middle of March, but I have been having the symptoms for a long time. It's not a disease that can kill or damage, so that's good.

For the most part, I feel pretty good. I'm not happy with my body at all, but it's not really bugging me right now. Sometimes I have these phases where I don't really care about my body. I mean I do, but it's not like "Omg, I have to stop eating." I know I will go back to that because I always do, but I like this feeling of content. I still try to do good everyday, but for the past month I've been eating pretty much whatever I want. I know it needs to stop though. I want to get this all together again, and at the same time, I don't. I'm going to though. I want to be 90lbs now! Summer is coming up in like 3 months and I am NOT going to be a fatass like I was last year. Last summer was so miserable. I never wanted to do anything. I always wanted to stay inside because I was so disgusted with my body. I don't want to have to be ashamed of it this summer!

This blog really does get me THinspired :)
Pun intended! Haha, I'm dumb.
Oh, by the way, 7 followers! I'm happy!

Stay strong girls!
-Kinsey<3

Snow=stay in the house and eat everything.

Last Thursday and Friday I didn't have school because it snowed so much outside and the roads aren't safe. I stayed home both days and ate nothing just chips, cookies, chocolate, and more junk food. My friends were over eating with me so that made me feel better, but I can't seem to get back in control. I decided that I was going to post again when I did good, but that's not happening so I just decided to post now. I'm going to get back on track tomorrow! I know I've said that for the past like 5 posts, but I neeed to do it now! I've only gained 1 pound though which surprises me alot. It's really hard for me to gain weight in pounds, but I DO look fatter. I was out shopping yesterday and I only bought like 2 things because I was so pissed at myself for how fat I looked. It was so disgusting.

Well this morning I did have breakfast. I had some eggs and oatmeal. Not too bad.. I'm going to try to not eat alot later, but I'm thinking I want to give myself today to eat whatever I want. Not to binge, but eat what I want, when I'm hungry. If you let yourself just binge, you eventually get tired of it, and want to eat healthy. Junk food gets sickening very fast.

I'll probably post more tomorrow evening to say how everything went!
Hopefully it's good!

-Kinsey<3

Mixed Feelings

I got my haircut today and I love it! I did go eat right after I got it done though. I do not know why! I'm so fat. I had an apple at lunch, after I got my hair done I had 4 small sushi rolls, a whole chicken flatbread sandwich, which I ate all of (FAT), I had some yogurt at one of those yogurt places in the mall, and I had 3 mint girl scout cookies that I don't even like. I don't know why I do that. When I binge, I eat things I would never usually eat. I thought my new 'look' would give me motivation. I guess it has. I would look soo much better with my hair if I was 20 pounds lighter. I'm going to do good the rest of the week though. I say that, but we'll see if it happens. It better. I was looking at my legs and butt today and they are fucking HUGE. It makes me want to throw up. I'm so fucking disgusting. Like my ass is ginormous! It's sick.

So my January's eating calender looks so bad. All the dates are crossed out with red X's. There is like maximum of 8 yellow X's, which means 'restrict'. I SUCK. February's calender is going to be soo much better! That calender really helps.

So earlier today, after I got my hair done. I had the feeling of trying to be normal and eat normal and stuff. It was weird. I got like out of ana mode, but after I got home and saw how fat I looked, I was like hell no, back to no eating. Obviously, I never stick to anything I do, but I need to! Soon!

Once again, I have nothing to talk about.. same old fat shit, lol.
Well I'll probably go to bed soon.
A moment on the lips, forever on the hips. :/
-Kinsey

Bingish..?

I kind of binged today. I rode home with my boyfriend and then my mom picked me up from his house to go to this school meeting thing and I had had nothing to eat before that so she took me to Lush Berries to get yogurt. After the meeting everyone wanted to go to this restaurant, so I went there, but didn't eat anything, but after I went to subway and got a footlong and ate it all. I also had less than half of that lemon cupcake. (I didn't eat it last night btw!) Overall, I think it's still under 800, but that's too much for me. My goal weight it 90 pounds. My ULTIMATE goal weight is 80, but I'm not sure when that is going to happen. Hopefully before summer. I really want to get down to that weight. I still don't think that I look like I've lost anything. I'm still at 99 :/ probably 100 now. I want to get down to 97 or even 95 by the weekend, but I might have to fast a day or two or eat just like one little yogurt the rest of the days and exercise.

Tomorrow I'm getting my haircut! I'm getting straight-across bangs for the first time! I have like side bangs now. A new haircut calls for a new motivation. Every time I get my hair done or go shopping, it always makes me motivated to keep loosing weight and not binge!

Hmm.. there is not much to talk about.. I really wish I could go purge right now, but I know I don't have the balls to do it :/ Damnit. I wish I had one of my ana buddies to do it with me! I can't do it alone. I've never done it too. I almost have one time ,but I chickened out. FAILURE. That's what I am.

Well I guess I'm going to get my beauty sleep (me? beauty? please.)
-Kinsey

1st Day of Success.. maybe.

Today has been good. I've only eaten a yogurt (110 cal) and a berry smoothie (? cal) with some whipped cream I couldn't help but eating, but it's only 15 cal for 2 tablespoons and I went to dance tonight so I burned all of it off. I had a couple grapes a second ago and I think I want some more. Just a little bit. It couldn't hurt. I know I won't binge since I'm determined not to. My dad brought home a lemon cupcake (my FAVORITE!) But I couldn't eat it because I knew I shouldn't. Then that would mean I pretty much burned all those calories for nothing, but I think he already finished it..

...

I just got back from in the kitchen and he didn't finish it. >:( There is half of it left. I cannot tell you how much I want it. Those are my favorite kind! :( Will it really be thaaaat bad? It's not like I would eat anything after that. I did burn all of my calories today and it would be just like having only 100 calories for the day. Ugh, I don't know. I'm just scared I will do bad tomorrow because of that damn cupcake. I doubt I will... Should I just eat it? It's bugging the shit out of me. I think I will just eat it and in an hour I will do 200 jumping jacks to burn it off and I will be fine!

Tomorrow I WILL just eat (drink) a smoothie and that's it. I already secretly threw away all of the bad food in my house other than the shells and cheese and the ramen noodles that I binge on all the time. Everyday I always do eat under 500 cal, but I usually eat like carbs to fill the calories and I'm trying to stay away from the carbs more than anything. Like I'd eat a yogurt and ramen noodles which would be under 500 cal, but I'd still be mad at myself because I never see a progress in my body when I do that so I try to just stick with fruit.

Well I'm going to ATTEMPT to stay away from that cupcake, but I'm not sure how it's going to go..
Stay strong!
-Kinsey<3

Why can't I do this?

I'm a failure who doesn't stick to anything I tell myself.
Why does this have to be so complicated?
Why do I give in every single time?
Why can't I be normal?
I'm sick of stressing over what I look like every second of my life. I'm sick of only thinking about my body, weight and appearance. I just want to be happy and not have to worry about everything all the time. But the only thing that is going to make me happy is if I'm skinnier. If I was 15 pounds less, I would enjoy everything. I'm pretty sure I've already said this in a recent post, but I would actually want to do something instead of sitting on my lazy, fat ass all day, moping around about my body. I swear I think about it at least 50 times (or more) a day. Right when I wake up in the mornings, in my dreams, at school, at home the most. It's literally nonstop. Am I the only one? It'd be great to know that someone is feeling this same way right now too. I've read tons of blogs and they all have these same feelings, but I just feel like it's so much worse on me. I know I'm wrong, but I wish I knew somebody personally who was in the same situation...

I wish I could say I'm going to start doing better tomorrow and keep it that way until I'm satisfied with myself, but I know that won't happen. I have so much motivation, but always end up giving up. I don't know why either because I want this so bad. Ugh, I don't know what to do.


Anyways, enough with that. So in biology this past week, we got these little slips that we have to put 5 medical disorders/diseases that we got to choose from this big list. There was Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia Nervosa, and I put those and 3 other diseases on my list. So I'm kind of hoping to get anorexia, but that might be a bad idea because people will think I have it or something.. I don't know. I just hope I'm skinny by the time I'm presenting it. In a way, I want people to know and then again I don't. Does anyone ever feel like you want people to know about your ed?

Oh yeah, another thing that happen was today and I was sitting in my living room with my boyfriend and my mom was talking on the phone to my dad and she was saying how her friend and her daughter are coming here to shop (they don't live near us) and they've had a really bad week and stuff. I didn't really hear the whole conversation, but I heard my mom say how one of their friends had to go to a hospital in Phoenix because she has an eating disorder. Right when I heard my mom say the word "eating disorder" my heart started pounding. I don't know why it does that, but every time I hear someone say either anorexia or eating disorder, my heart skips a beat.

Wow, I rant way too much. Oh well, that's what a blog is for right?
Hoping I can change my ways and get back on track.

STAY STRONG.
-Kinsey

I knew it.

I knew this would happen. I never do what I say. I'm sure you can already guess it. I binged, duh. I didn't eat anything for breakfast and lunch then I came home had half of a pb&j(? cal) and a smoothie(? cal) and then later I had some ramen noodles(380 cal) and like 30 minutes after that I had 2 and a half mini apple pies. I split them with my mom. Not terribly horrible, but too much. I didn't need those mini apple pies, or the ramen noodles really. Atleast the mini apple pies were tiny, so I'm not that bummed out. I kind of am, but I really don't want to worry about it. I have enough stress in my life to worry about 1 mini binge. Well all my stress pretty much comes from my self-consciousness, but whatever. Tomorrow, after school I just want to go to my boyfriend's house all day so I won't binge. I think I will have a smoothie then leave my house. I really don't want more ramen noodles to bitch about. Like I said in my last post, after the first hard day is over with, it gets easy. So I think tomorrow is a good day to start that. I know the day I do good, I can start eating better again. After that happens, I will not do this again. I hate the feeling of failure. Being in control over food and knowing you're only 10 pounds away from your goal is such an amazing feeling. It's also so easy for me to go down on the scale, but not so much look different in size. I want to be 90 pounds. After that, I think I'll be happy. Ugh, I want my control back! Last week was so amazing. I did so good. Why can't I do that again? It sounds so easy to do, but it's really not. It's really hard for some reason. Tomorrow I really want to wear a skirt to school, but I want to be 10 pounds less for it :( I really don't want to wait to wear it too. :/ I might just do it anyways.. and look like a fatass. If I was 5'4" and 90 pounds everything in my life would be PERFECT. Absolutely perfect. But the sad thing about it is that I have to eat to get taller and if I ever want to reach that height, which I'm incapable of, I have to eat like a normal growing teenager and I do not do that at all. I don't want to :/ I've tried eating normal and trying to get taller and it doesn't work and if I'm not going to grow, then I went to be skinny. Skinnier than anyone else my height. I refuse to be a short fatass. I don't want to wait like 5 years to grow and get fat then just have to stop eating again. Ugh, I don't know. Everything is so confusing. I can't tell you how much easier my life would be..

I've noticed that I kind of repeat myself from blog to blog. Oh well..
You know what's good thinspiration? Lookbook. For anyone who reads this, go there! It's thin, tiny girls and cute clothes. www.lookbook.nu I'm in love with that site. Although, you do have to be invited to be a member.

So I think those little dum dum suckers are good candy for not binging. If you only have like two. They don't really have any calories, just sugar. It's gets rid of that thirst for candy and makes you not want to binge. I guess that's all for today.

Another day of failure, not much determination, blah :/
-Kinsey

Of course...

Exactly what I said. I binged all day today. Fuck. I woke up, had some chamomile tea(0 cal), thinking that would be all I would 'eat' today, but no. I went to my boyfriend's house for 2 hours then came back to my house and had one of those Healthy Choice meals (300 cal), then I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (not sure of the calories, probably alot), and after that I had a little bit of Doritos(? cal), and my mom came home bringing girl scout cookies she got from a girl from work. I had like 10 of those(? cal) FAT FAT FATASS. I did go to dance tonight, so I burned some of that. I'm determined to do good tomorrow though.

Tomorrow's diet plan:
Breakfast- water(0 cal)
Lunch- gum(<5 cal)
After school- smoothie (not sure, but I will add it up correctly soon)
Dinner- chamomile or chai tea(if chai, 60 cal)

I know for sure I won't eat anything for breakfast or lunch because I NEVER do during the week. I hope I stick to the smoothie and tea, which I do have faith in myself. The first day after binging is the hardest, all you want to do is binge again, but after you get over that first day, it starts getting easy until the weekend when I go out to eat and then I never can help myself. I'm going to stop going out with my parents when they go out to eat though. I will just go to my friend's house or the movies or something. I just cannot wait until I can drive. Everything will be so much easier. Other than being with friends and they want to go eat somewhere. How am I going to hide that then? I know my eating problem will go on for a lonnnng time. I don't know when I will get over this self-consciousness about my body and my eating. Maybe in my 30's? Hah, just kidding, I don't really know. Honestly, I don't really want to get over it. I don't just want to not care about my body and get fat and disgusting. I don't consider this 'problem' an 'eating disorder.' I'm not really sure if I have an actual ED. I guess worrying and caring this much about my food and my body is an ED. Trying to eat under 200-500 calories and sometimes even 0 calories is not normal. I guess it is an ED, but I don't feel right saying I have one. It almost feels as if I'm not ana enough to consider it as an ED. I guess that will just be unknown in my head until or if I lose alot of weight, or stop eating even more. Hmm..

Ah, shit. My parents just got home from the store and she bought damn ramen noodles. Those noodles will be the death of me until they are gone. Oh please, God I don't binge on those tomorrow! Sometimes I wish I lived alone because it'd be easier to not have fat foods! I could just have like fruit and tea. When you live with people they get tons of fat foods you know you don't need to eat then end up binging on them and get mad at the people who bought them!

You know what? No! The food doesn't control me, I control the food! That is such a good quote. It's so true. I shouldn't feel like the food is making me eat it. I control whether I eat it or not. And tomorrow, I'm NOT going to eat it. Seriously, it's just food. I shouldn't be scared of it. I'm better than that. That reminds me of one time, about a year ago, I was in the kitchen and I was fed up with eating and being fat and I threw away all of the fat foods in my house and I went to my mom with a big trash can and I was like "Mom, NO MORE FAT FOODS! I'm sick of being fat and eating this nasty, body-ruining food. All of us are going to get even fatter if this is still in our house" and I threw it away. Ever since then, we don't really have anything in our kitchen. All we have is frozen fruit, some nasty frozen food, drinks, yogurt, chips >:(, ramen noodles, and tea, and some chocolate my mom likes to hide in her office room.

Well I guess this is long enough, haha. I just love blogging and venting my thoughts. They're a bit long, but oh well.
-Kinsey

About to binge, what do I do!

I posted earlier, but oh well. I love blogging. It makes me feel better. I don't care if anyone reads it or not. So after the scary breakfast this morning my friend Jeremy came over and my family and him went to this yogurt place called Lush Berries. It's healthy and everything so I have a cup of that and then we go to a couple places, then to a Pizza Hut. I didn't eat anything and I was proud of myself, but my parents bitch about me not eating so they took me to Subway after and I got a 6 inch turkey sandwich and ate it all and now I feel disgusting.. I mean it's all healthy food, but I still feel nasty.. and now I'm drinking chai tea and about to eat some chocolate. Ughh, it sounds so good. I don't know what to do. Should I eat it? I have no clue! I want it so bad. Will just one hurt? One little butterfinger or recees? I need help! Like nowww. I've already had so much today! I really hope it's nice outside tomorrow so I can walk! Tomorrow the only thing I'm eating(drinking) is a smoothie! I'll be at my boyfriends house all day so I don't have to eat. He can't make me. Through this week I'm only having like smoothies and that's all. This weekend I've done good, for the most part and I don't want to go back to school looking like a fatass. I already had to do that once from coming back from Christmas break. I gain alot over that break. Just 2 weeks ago I went to the doctor's and I was 108 with clothes on and this morning when I weighed myself I was 98! Now I'm probably 100 or something but I'll lose it again over this week. My mom knows I don't eat lunch at school everyday, but should I tell her that I'm going to start eating at lunch? I don't think she'll believe me.. Everyone is starting to find out.

Today in the car, we were going to Lush Berries and there is a hospital across the street from it and my dad said "If you keep this diet up, that will be your new home" and he pointed to the hospital. It kind of made me feel good because they're noticing I'm getting smaller, but I don't want to be hospitalized or anything. As sad and weird as this sounds, I kind of like people thinking I need to be hospitalized because I'm so skinny. But the funny thing is, is that I'm not skinny, at all. I'm fat and gross. Skinny people don't eat chocolate and 120 calorie tea and carbs and protein. Why do my parents have to be stupid about what I eat? I know they care about me, but I'm fine. Stop trying to fatten me up even more than I already am. It pisses me off. No, I do not want pizza and ice cream and chocolate and footlong subway sandwiches (my mom and dad were trying to talk me into all these things today) Do they not understand that I don't want to be huge?

I say that, yet I still want that chocolate. Of course I WANT all of that food, but I can't. I have to stop this 'eat good for a week then just binge and start eating bad again' thing. Every time I get into a good streak of dieting, and I binge just once and F it all up again. Then the next couple of weeks I will just keep eating bad and I'll get back up to 108! Ew! That cannot happen again. Pom try-outs are coming up soon and summer! That means bathing suits and short little pom outfits that I better need an extra small in! I'm just scared that if I eat this chocolate, I will keep binging and tomorrow I'll eat bad and I look huge again. :( It takes so much for me to have control and when I finally do, I fly. Fortunately, I can lose weight really fast. Unfortunately, it takes alot of weight to lose to see a difference. So I need this control and when I binge, I lose it!

Maybe I could just throw away that chocolate and if my parents ask where it is, I can say I ate it! Hm.. it will be hard taking it out of the wrapper and just throwing it away without eating it. I do wish I was mia sometimes. It would be alot easier for when I binge. I just don't have the balls to do it, haha. I don't see how some anas and mias do it. They must have alot of will power. I wish I did. Lucky skinny bitches.

I'll post tomorrow and say if I ate it or not.
Stay strong!
Love,
Kinsey

Terrifying breakfast.

I woke up today and my mom comes in my room talking to me about random things then she says "We're about to have breakfast." And I tell her I'm not hungry and don't really want breakfast. Then she's like "Well you need to eat today." I kept telling her that I don't want nasty unhealthy food and she doesn't really say anything else. After that I go to the kitchen and smell the wonderful scent of baking pancakes. I couldn't tell you how much I wanted some. So I was sitting at the table and my dad was asking me what I'm going to eat and I said I'm not sure, I'm not that hungry. Then he gets all annoying and starts telling me that not eating breakfast is not good for you and only eating one meal a day is lowering my metabolism. Ughhh, so now I kind of have to eat something. I had a really small bowl of Special K with strawberries and probably too much orange juice. I did not binge, but now I'm full and bloated and feel disgusting. I hate the feeling of food in my stomach. I don't mind smoothies or healthy drink being there, but not solid foods, ew. I think after I digest some, I'm going to run like a mile on the treadmill and do like 200 jumping jacks (1 jumping jack burns 1 calorie!)

Before I went to the kitchen this morning I went to the bathroom to weigh myself and I was 98! Omg below 100 finally! But that was before breakfast.. so now I don't doubt if I'm back to 100. I don't know if you can gain 2 pounds over a really small breakfast but I think anas can since we fluctuate so much. I went shopping yesterday! And got tons of clothes that will only look good if under 100 pounds! Haha, atleast on me.

98 pounds really sounds so skinny and for anyone who reads this you're probably thinking I'm crazy for thinking I'm fat(you might think that, I'm not sure), but I truly am chubby. Like my legs and butt are huge and it's gross. I can't stand it. I really do look fat.

I'm thinking I'm letting my "secret" out too much. My parents are starting to worry, my boyfriend is starting to worry and my friends always worry since they see that I'm never eating lunch. I tell too many people my weight problems and I don't know why I do it! I just feel like I need someone there for me.. :/ and the only person I KIND OF talk to about it is my boyfriend and he's always like "You need to quit starving youself, you're not going to stay that same weight forever" blah blah blah.. I need more motivation today before I accidentally binge on some Chinese food my parents are going to eat later. I hope they don't bring it home though. I hope they just go out and eat it and I can stay home or something. The mall would be great right now, get to walk and lose calories and try on clothes for thinspiration and skinny bitches. Ugh, fml.

I guess I'm going to go look for some thinspo, I'll probably post tonight or tomorrow and say how things went.
Time to run!
-Kinsey

So now I'm scared of tea?

I've been doing excellent recently! And I'm so proud of myself! So right now I'm sitting in my room, it's 11:39 PM and I just had some chamomile tea and I'm like craving some chai tea, but I'm a little scared to drink it because It's 120 calories for 2 tablespoon! Seriously, it's tea, why does it need to be so much calories!? But I'm already full from the chamomile tea so I would only have 1 tablespoon which would be 60 cal.. I'm not sure if I should though. All I've had today is a smoothie. That's like all I eat when I'm restricting. I make them really healthy though. No added crap. So this morning I got on the scale and 100lbs! I'm so happy! It might sound skinny, but it does NOT look like it. I still have huge fat, chubby legs and ass. It's disgusting. It's because I'm 5'1" :( Anyone who is tall doesn't even know how good they have it. I guess I would be okay with being short if I was like 80lbs. That's my ultimate goal! I don't really want to look like a child though, haha. That's why I wish I was taller. :/ Well I think I'm going to have that tea. It's only 60 cal right? I wouldn't binge at this time of day. Gross. I would bloat up so badly.

Oh by the way I went to the bookstore tonight and I got this book called Skinny. It's about anorexia, obviously. I wanted to get Wasted too, but I think my mom was starting to get suspicious with all of the eating disorder books. She knows that all I've been eating since last Tuesday is smoothies and tea. She is also starting to worry because I'm always complaining about being lightheaded and dizzy. But I am on medicine for my heart. It beats waaaay too much and I can never breathe and I always have chest pains, but these meds are supposed to slow down my heart and make me calm. So now that I'm not eating alot, I'm always tired, lightheaded, and dizzy. Oh well, it's so worth it.

Guess it's time for the fat tea now? Haha, jk (hopefully)
Hoping to be 95 by next Wednesday!
-Kinsey<3

So far, so good.

Finally! Accomplishment!

So, these past couple of days have been going pretty good, actually. Tuesday, I had a smoothie, 4 chocolate almond pockies (asain candy) (very tiny binge, but 6 is only 70 calories), and some chai tea (60 calories), Wednesday, I had s little bit more, smoothie, yogurt from one of those little yogurt places, 8 pockies, and chai tea, and today I had a smoothie, 4 pockies, and chai tea. Pretty much all the same things every day. Tomorrow, I'm wanting to fast, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to do it, so I think I'm just going to have like a smoothie. I love smoothies! I always make really healthy ones at my house that are so good! My favorite is Jamba Juice though.

I think I've lost 5 pounds in the past like 2 weeks because it's been like on and off binging, but it doesn't look like I've lost anything. It's my damn shortness! You can loose 10 pounds and still look the same. I can't put it in to words how much I DESPISE my body. Is it just me? Because every. single. day. I think and think and think about my body and what I can do to make it look better without looking like a short fatass! Ugh, god. I hate it so much. Why can't I be normal like everyone else? Eat regularly, not worry about my weight, be normal height, feel good about myself, and be happy. It seems like everyone has that except me. All my friends are always happy and usually never complain about their weight or height or anything and it's not fair. I want to be happy and normal too! I hate feeling like this all the time..

Well tomorrow is another day for better things to come. (hopefully)

Stay strong!
-Kinsey

Failure and Determination.

Gross, gross, gross. Today sucked. I did not do good at all. All I did was binge. I hate my body so much. I would do anything for a different me. I need to start fasting! UGH. I can never fast though. By like 5:00 I'm like dying. Tomorrow I'm going to the mall, which means thinspiration. I'm not eating tomorrow until I get done shopping then I'm going to have my mom get my a Jamba Juice and that is IT! NOTHING else. I can't keep doing this. I'm going to be so fucking fat summer season. Last summer I did absolutely nothing because I didn't want ANYONE to see my nasty ass fat disgusting body. So pretty much all summer I stayed home everyday and kept tons of clothes on. I don't want to do that this summer! I want to go out with my bathing suit and I want to love my body and I want to be confident and not care what I look like. After tomorrow I'm just going to fast and ignore the hunger pains. Honestly, I'm doing it. In a way I want to be sickly thin to where I need treatment. I know that sounds bad, but how good does "Oh, yeah, that anorexic girl?" sound? Yeah, amazing. There is this one girl that was kind of chunky last year and this year she is soo skinny. It's obvious she was or is anorexic. She was waaaay bigger than I am now too! I could easily do it! If she can, I can dammit! UGHHH. I want to see a change in myself. :( from the mini binges I've been having lately has gotten me pretty determined and I'm just going to do it. I don't care if it hurts my body, I want it more than anything. I've never wanted something so badly before. My life would be so much better if I was just skinny. I would be more happy and have more energy and enthusiasm, and I would actually like getting dressed everyday and going to school without thinking "Oh my god, my legs and ass look huge today, I hope anyone doesn't think I look completely 20 pounds heavier that last week, I'm so fat" I would want to get out more and do more stuff without having to think "Oh shit, I have to get dressed, what should I wear that doesn't make me look THAT fat" I can't stand this anymore! I would actually like showing off my body if I was thin. I also wouldn't dread having to go to dance class because I wouldn't look like a huge fucking cow. Everything could be better if I was like 20 pounds lighter. It's going to happen! Even if I have to ruin my body to get there. I will do anything.

Done with this fat shit.
-Kinsey

Failure

So obviously I've given up on blogging, or maybe I'm just lazy, I don't know. I just feel like venting. Even though most people probably won't read it. Oh well. So these past couple days have been quite well, with my eating of course. Since like last Thursday I've eaten pretty much all carbs but it was all 500 calories which is my goal for now. I try not to go past that, but tonight I probably did. I ate some rice and I told myself I was going to be done then I had a big urge for candy (I'm on my period :/ which most of us know that breaks our good streak) so I had some little dum dum suckers and then I wanted chips and some more candy.. other than that I did alright. Tomorrow is the beginning of a new week, so more chances to do better. I'm feeling like accomplishment coming on though. I'm getting pretty fed up with my fat body. I guess I'm scared to get too into this eating problem to where it messes up my body. I already got put on this medicine that slows down my heart and helps me breathe and when I take it and not eat it makes me so dizzy, tired, and I can't really think good. I always doze off now and it pisses me off, but it helps me stop thinking about food (that sounds so fat haha) I weighed myself last Monday and I was 106 with no clothes on and yesterday I weighed myself and I was 103! I probably gained a pound or more now that it's the time of the month! Ugh I hate that! I'm doing good tomorrow! I'm determined. Just because I'm short doesn't mean I can't be super thin! There is this girl from France and she is 5 foot and I think under 80 pounds. She went ana at like 11 and she is sooo small. She is famous for being anorexic because she took picture for this bil-board of hers supporting something about being skinny. I don't really know. I think when girls get skinnier they look taller. Maybe that's just me. Oh, by the way I got a calendar and I'm marking the days with however my eating was that day. If I binged, fasted, or restricted. I got that idea from Riki Ana. It's a good way to see how good or bad you've done. So far, mines not that good haha. Rant, rant, rant, lol. I guess I'm going to get off. Maybe I'll post again soon?

For whoever reads this, stay strong! We all can do it!

-Kinsey