Why can't I do this?

I'm a failure who doesn't stick to anything I tell myself.
Why does this have to be so complicated?
Why do I give in every single time?
Why can't I be normal?
I'm sick of stressing over what I look like every second of my life. I'm sick of only thinking about my body, weight and appearance. I just want to be happy and not have to worry about everything all the time. But the only thing that is going to make me happy is if I'm skinnier. If I was 15 pounds less, I would enjoy everything. I'm pretty sure I've already said this in a recent post, but I would actually want to do something instead of sitting on my lazy, fat ass all day, moping around about my body. I swear I think about it at least 50 times (or more) a day. Right when I wake up in the mornings, in my dreams, at school, at home the most. It's literally nonstop. Am I the only one? It'd be great to know that someone is feeling this same way right now too. I've read tons of blogs and they all have these same feelings, but I just feel like it's so much worse on me. I know I'm wrong, but I wish I knew somebody personally who was in the same situation...

I wish I could say I'm going to start doing better tomorrow and keep it that way until I'm satisfied with myself, but I know that won't happen. I have so much motivation, but always end up giving up. I don't know why either because I want this so bad. Ugh, I don't know what to do.


Anyways, enough with that. So in biology this past week, we got these little slips that we have to put 5 medical disorders/diseases that we got to choose from this big list. There was Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia Nervosa, and I put those and 3 other diseases on my list. So I'm kind of hoping to get anorexia, but that might be a bad idea because people will think I have it or something.. I don't know. I just hope I'm skinny by the time I'm presenting it. In a way, I want people to know and then again I don't. Does anyone ever feel like you want people to know about your ed?

Oh yeah, another thing that happen was today and I was sitting in my living room with my boyfriend and my mom was talking on the phone to my dad and she was saying how her friend and her daughter are coming here to shop (they don't live near us) and they've had a really bad week and stuff. I didn't really hear the whole conversation, but I heard my mom say how one of their friends had to go to a hospital in Phoenix because she has an eating disorder. Right when I heard my mom say the word "eating disorder" my heart started pounding. I don't know why it does that, but every time I hear someone say either anorexia or eating disorder, my heart skips a beat.

Wow, I rant way too much. Oh well, that's what a blog is for right?
Hoping I can change my ways and get back on track.

STAY STRONG.
-Kinsey